Total Bull and the Buffalo Read online

  *** buffalo (v.) - to intimidate or overawe. ***

  Total Bull arrived at the rear of the Bingo Hall. He sat with the other bulls and cows who were sitting inside a circle of flaps. Light Beer was in the middle. He spoke to the gathered herd.

  “This ring of flaps is our medicine wheel. It is a place of gathering and healing. Using the medicine wheel and assorted crystals, we can help ourselves to understand better who we are and to guide our journey to spiritual wisdom.”

  Total Bull realized that Light Beer was not livestock, but Buffalo. He was amazed that standing there before him was a real live Buffalo. He always thought that Buffalo were a thing of the past.

  “My people, the Buffalo, believe that the Creator made all things, and that all things have their own sacredness. The flaps that you are sitting on have power of their own. The power that was given to them by the Creator, Waka-Waka. Because of the ways of bovine society, our mother earth has been injured. Whenever you cut trees, or mine metals, or hunt for sport, you assault mother earth. Now she is paying you back.”

  Light Beer spread his arms wide. The beads on his necklaces rattled against each other, and his tie-dyed shirt lifted over his ample tenderloin.

  “You are out of touch with mother earth, and therefore with the Creator. This is why many of you domesticated cattle feel emptiness.”

  Light Beer gave some demonstrations of his people’s ways.

  “Use all of what I have shown you as a way to change how you live. Only by changing the way you live can you come back into favor with mother earth.”

  Total Bull was completely shocked.

  Light Beer ended the gathering and went inside his Winnebago RV. Total Bull sat in silence as the other cattle began to mosey-off. He could hear their moos as they vowed to change their ways and to get in touch with the sacredness of the earth. As they sauntered away they discussed the universal presence of Walkin’ Talkin’. Others spoke of the great powers of Willy Wonka, or rambled about the kindness of Honky Tonkin.

  Total Bull was still sitting on his medicine wheel flap long after every other bovine had left. He heard a door creak open. Light Beer had squeezed through the doorway of his trailer.

  “Why are you still here, domesticated-livestock friend?”

  “I think I’m missing something.”

  Light Beer smiled at the steer and took a seat next to him.

  “My friend, it is good that you are looking for that which you are missing. But you can’t just have it,” Light Beer said. He laid a hoof on Total Bull’s shoulder and offered him some of his bottle of Red EngineTM.

  “I don’t understand. If I’m missing something, and not having it makes me feel so empty, then doesn’t it stand to reason that I should have the thing that fixes it?”

  “Bull, the problem with your people is that you want to acquire everything here-and-now. No patience with you cattle. Now listen. What you are looking for you can only gain through time. You cannot get it quickly, nor can you own it.”

  “So what do I do?”

  “I think that the emptiness that you feel is your lack of communication with Waka-Waka. Did you know that the eagle has the most powerful voice of any animal?”

  “No.”

  “Well it does. And look at how the eagle lives. It flies high, and it is free. You know, if you could be free like the eagle, going where you want, flying with the wild winds, you would come to understand things more easily. Waka-Waka comes to us most naturally this way.”

  “But I have a job, and a mortgage! I can’t be free as a bird.”

  “It is true. The domesticated-livestock creatures are not free. Stop trying to control everything. Hey, did you know that the French for mortgage means ‘death pledge’?”

  “That’s about when I’ll pay it off. But what can I do?”

  “Switch to an accelerated weekly payment plan. You can shave years off your mortgage. Then go and find a copy of The Wealthy Grazer. It’s full of tips about making money work for you, rather than you working for your money. Hey, what do you think of my new jeans? They’re Cherokees. Pretty comfy.”

  “Oh, uh, they look fine. Wait, how do you know all this finance stuff?”

  “How do you think I could afford the wide-screen television in my ‘95 Winnebago Chieftain? Listen, you have to leave the path that you are on. The Upper Holstein New Age cattle take what I teach them and go home feeling good about themselves.”

  “Isn’t that a good thing?”

  “Sure it is. But these bovines will misuse my teachings.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Well, think of it this way. You can be like most of the Upper Holsteins and learn about the eagle, then go home and think about the eagle while living like a pigeon. Or you can try to live more like the eagle and maybe you’ll really understand what it means to be one.”

  “I still don’t get it.”

  “That’s okay. You’ll figure it out for yourself one day. Just don’t go and open a Buffalo-themed bookstore, okay?”

  “I don’t know what that means.... Are you happy about teaching cattle?”

  “I love it. Even if only one or two from each group goes away with a simple understanding, then it’s worth it.”

  “Thank you, Light Beer, I know what I have to do now,” he said. Total Bull shook the Buffalo’s hoof.

  “So what’s your plan?”

  “You know.”

  Light Beer stood in silence for a few seconds, then said, “Ummm... Of course I do!”

  “And once I’ve learned the Buffalo ways, then I will find what I’m missing.”

  “Let me tell you something. I once had a student who learned much from me. I taught him about our ways. I thought that I could do as good a job as one of the holy bulls. I was wrong. I told him about the power of deer antler, which could cure impotence in bulls. This was a secret, and I was demonstrating to him my faith in him. Well, his old ways took over once he realized the money he could make on antler powder. There is this ‘natural remedy’ now, made by one of the big companies. And he, this wealthy bull, who used to be my student, is now a real Frankfurter. Would you do this to me?”

  “I’ve never been in a situation like that before. I don’t know how I would act.”

  Light Beer considered this, and said, “At least you are honest. That is a rare thing to have in a domestic bull. Go out to the Buffalo Preserve and visit Sage, and tell him I sent you.”

  “Thank you, friend.” said Total Bull as he stood up.

  “Before you go, I see that you have cut-out cookies in cow shapes. Why don’t we share them together?”

  Total Bull thought that this was a good idea. He gave one cow cookie to Light Beer, and ate one himself. He quickly felt the hunger in his stomachs become satisfied by the cookie. It was more filling than it looked. After sharing this light snack with Light Beer, he left the Bingo Hall and headed for the Buffalo Preserve.