Total Bull and the Buffalo Read online

  *** buffalo nut (n.) - bigger than a cow nut. ***

  Total Bull arrived at the bus station and walked over to the station attendant.

  “Where you going?” the attendant asked.

  “What?”

  “Tickets. Where to?”

  “Oh, I’m going to the Buffalo Preserve.”

  “The one south of Buffalo City?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay, here you go,” the attendant said. He gave a ticket to Total Bull. “Be careful.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Be careful, Buffalo can be kind of wild.”

  “Okay, thanks.”

  Total Bull went over to the waiting area. He got a newspaper and a chocolate bar from the newsstand and sat down. He ate the chocolate bar in a few bites. The front page of the newspaper had an article titled North Steerland makes peace with South Steerland. He flipped through to look for other interesting stories. He found a story about how the Upper Holstein Mothers Society was baking treats to raise money for inner-city calves. As he continued to flip through the paper another cow moseyed in and sat beside him.

  “Nice weather.”

  Total Bull looked up idly from the paper.

  “Oh, yes,” he said.

  “Yeah,” the stranger said.

  “Uh-huh.”

  Total Bull looked back down at the newspaper.

  “So peace in North Steerland,” the stranger said.

  “Yeah.”

  “It’s amazing, don’t you think?”

  “Umm, yeah, I guess it’s about time.”

  “Sure is, peace is good. No fighting. That kind of thing.”

  “I guess it is good,” Total Bull said.

  Just then an announcer said over the loudspeakers, “now boarding to Buffalo City and Buffalo Preserve.”

  “That’s Me,” Total Bull said.

  “No way!” the stranger said. “You’re going there too?”

  “Yes.”

  Total Bull left the station, got on the bus and took a seat. The stranger sat beside him.

  “So, you’re first time visiting the big B?”

  “Big B…”

  “Buffalo City, the Big B, the vertical prairies, the big shiny glass barn.”

  “Oh, I’m going to the preserve just south of the city.”

  “Why would you go there?”

  “I’m going to see someone.”

  “Aunt, uncle, grandfather?”

  “No, I was sent there by a Buffalo to help me figure out what’s missing.”

  “What’s missing?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Well good luck finding it if you don’t know what you’re looking for.”

  “Thanks I guess.”

  “Hey, no problem… I don’t understand why you’re going there, there’s really not much to see. Some old Buffalo in their shacks, and a general store. Buffalo City is where the action is.”

  “You’ve been there?”

  “I grew up there.”

  “Really?”

  “Sure did. I’m Spaghetti,” he said. He extended his hoof in greeting. “Formerly of Buffalo Preserve, now making a name for myself in Buffalo City.”

  “I’m Total Bull, pleased to meet you.”

  “Cool.”

  “So what are you doing in the city?”

  “Investment banking.”

  “Sounds like a good long-term career.

  “The best.”

  “What got you to move to the city?”

  “Opportunity. There’s just nothing going on at home, unless you like to play a lot of shuffleboard.”

  “Shuffleboard is okay.”

  “All the time?”

  “Maybe not….”

  “So I made my way to the big glass barn and got myself a job.”

  “How long ago?”

  “Five years now. It’s been a blast… So I don’t know what you’ll find there. I think a cow would prefer the city, but I don’t know, it’s, it’s…”

  “Home?”

  “I was going to say it’s slower. If you like slow, it’s for you maybe.”

  “Maybe.”

  The bus driver turned around and said, “this stop, Buffalo City.”

  “That’s me. Well, have fun Mister Bull.”

  “Thanks.”

  Spaghetti left the bus along with most of the other passengers, and the bus continued on.

  A while later, Total Bull got off the bus in the middle of nowhere. The bus drove away and kicked up dirt into the air. Total Bull looked around. A path went into the forest.

  “Where can a guy get a drink around here?”

  Ruff.

  Total Bull looked around and saw a dog standing at his feet.

  “I guess you wouldn’t know, eh?”

  Ruff.

  The dog started to walk down the path.

  “Why not,” Total Bull said. He followed the dog along the path.

  “Well this isn’t creepy.”

  After a few minutes the path forked in two directions.

  “Hmm…”

  Ruff.

  The dog was looked at him and started down the path that diverged left.

  “Okay. I’m going left I guess.”

  After a short walk down the left path the forest cleared and opened into a valley. The path joined up with a road. Houses and buildings lined the road. As he got closer he could see a sign over one of the buildings.

  “Oh good, a pub.”

  Ruff.

  The dog paused for a second and ran off. Total Bull entered the pub.

  “What can I get you?” the barkeep asked.

  “Water please.”

  “Big spender.”

  “I’m on a budget.”

  “Then have some peanuts.”

  “Nice place.”

  “I like to think of it as my little piece of heaven. In this little town, all quiet, between the hills here in this valley. Most of the world drives by and doesn’t even notice.”

  “Wow, yeah it is quiet.”

  “Listen to the birds, and the kids playing.”

  “Would you want more business though?”

  “Not if it ends up being like the city, all loud and jam-packed, and always in a rush. A hundred years ago Buffalo Town was a lot like our town, but they went commercial. So we’ve got to preserve this place. There’s no need for two Buffalo Cities.”

  “Hmm, it might be good for the economy though.”

  “Oh no, that’s like having vanilla, but no chocolate. So you lose the taste, nothing to compare it to. Just meaningless…”

  “Chocolate?”

  “We’re chocolate, they are vanilla.”

  “Hmm…”

  “So what brings you here anyways, I’ve just been rambling on and didn’t ask.”

  “I’m here to visit Sage.”

  “No kidding? Now he’s a fun old Buffalo. Maybe a little crazy though.”

  “Really?”

  “Oh don’t worry about it, not in a bad way. I think it’s just his age or something.”

  “How old is he?”

  “Don’t know, he’s always been here, so pretty old. When I was a kid he was already old.”

  “Wow. Oh, could you please tell me where I’d find him?”

  “Here I’ll write down his address for you.”

  Total Bull took the address from the barkeep and headed off. As he got close to the house he thought he heard a dog barking inside. He knocked. An old Buffalo opened the door. The Buffalo looked into Total Bull’s eyes for a second, then shook his head.

  “Go away, you have too much to learn.”

  “I do?”

  “Yes. Especially considering that Light Beer sent you.”

  “How did you know that?”

  “By the look on your face. You expected some mystical, stoic Buffalo who speaks in short phrases. For example: Me mystic Buffalo.... You come in now.... Tell Sage, great chief, why you here....”

  “What?
”

  “Ha! How many cattle think that’s how we talk? Seriously!... I like you, bovine! Now come in and have a seat.”

  Total Bull went inside the cabin and sat in one of two chairs. Sage sat in the other one.

  “Talk to me,” the old Buffalo said. Some drool leaked from his weak old mouth.

  “Why did you say that I have a lot to learn, especially considering that Light Beer sent me?”

  “Hey, did you see the new Playbull, with that naked figure grazer, Cowina Witt?”

  “No. Why did you say especially considering...”

  “She’s one hot sirloin, for a cow that is. Still nothing like a Buffalo female though.”

  “Why did you say especially...”

  “I’ll tell you, if you want to know how lovin’ is meant to be, you’ve got to find yourself a Buffalo female. Those cows just don’t have what it takes.”

  “Why did you say...”

  “I’m hungry, can I have your cookie?”

  Total Bull, not understanding the methods of Sage, but understanding that he was a great Buffalo, and also not wanting to be rude, gave him his last cookie.

  “Mmmm.... Yummy,” the old Buffalo said.

  “Oh, did you just give me your last cookie? You’ve demonstrated yourself to be a generous steer. Cattle tend to usually give if they may get something in return, and I don’t think that you were expecting anything. In our tradition we Buffalo don’t expect anything in return, but because we all give to each other, none of us ever goes without.”

  Sage stood and paced around the shanty for a minute or two. He scratched at his rump and adjusted his shirt.

  “I’ll sum up for you why you have a lot to learn. First, Light Beer is a good Buffalo, but he doesn’t teach traditional ways.”

  “I know that. But he teaches some of them.”

  “No, Light Beer doesn’t teach any of our traditions, not really. This is because he is trying in his own way to get the bovines to change their ways.”

  “He told me that it was his goal.”

  “Light Beer changes the traditional teachings in a way that can be used by cattle in their society. But then they’re no longer traditional teachings.”

  Total Bull wasn’t quite following.

  “I’m not quite following you.”

  “Light Beer teaches for the, ahh... what are they called?”

  “The Upper Holstein County New Age Society.”

  “That’s right. The Upper Holstein County New Age Society already has its own ideas about what Buffalo traditions are like.”

  “Does Light Beer teach them what they want to hear?”

  “It’s more that they only graze what they want to graze from his teachings.”

  “That doesn’t sound too helpful.”

  “It’s not. If they were really learning the traditional ways, there wouldn’t be so many Buffalo-themed bookstores these days.”

  “Well, uhh, I don’t get it.”

  “Never mind. That market is saturated. Now, what the Upper Holsteins learn they strip of its original meaning because they do not learn it in the context of trying to live a Buffalo life. You know, you can be a plow ox, or you can just pull a plough around all day - but I don’t think that you’ll learn much about what it means to be a plow ox by doing that. In this way, the Buffalo life and spirit are one in the same thing for us Buffalo, and they can’t be separated. Because they don’t understand this, they change the ideas that they have learned and give new meanings that fit with their current medicine bag of beliefs.”

  “I saw it happening as they were leaving Light Beer’s gathering. They were already making wind, and changing the current of what he said.”

  “The worst part though, is that they forgot the fact that their ancestors are the ones who put us on the Preserves. We can make them feel good about themselves, but they’re still in denial about our being concentrated on rancheros.”

  “Yes, I know, but what can I do to change anything?”

  “Hmm, don’t know. You could stay here and learn the ways from us. Become one of us. It does happen. There are even books written by Bulls who have chosen to live in the Buffalo way. You can find one at ...”

  “A Buffalo-themed book store?”

  “So, you staying?”

  “I’m sorry Sage, but I have a wife, a job, and there’s a new calf on the way. I have to go home.”

  “That’s too bad. Have you ever heard about the ‘Good Buffalomaritan’?”

  “Sure I have. He was good and went around helping people.”

  “Alright, let me tell you how it really went. The Buffalomaritans were outcasts in their time. All the other Buffalo tribes hated them. Called them dirty. The Buffalomaritans could not marry other Buffalo, and were ignored on the street when they passed by. One day this Buffalo we call the Good Buffalomaritan saw a Buffalo injured and came to help. He helped, even though this was one of the Buffalo that had done so many bad things to him. So he helped them, and everyone was amazed that this Buffalomaritan helped, and they were thankful. And they learned nothing from it, and did nothing to change their ways.”

  “So what does that mean.”

  “Overall, that all Buffalo, all cows, across the board, are self-involved and set in their ways. Even if you are different, you’ll be going it alone because we don’t like change. And no matter how hard you try, you might not make a difference or change anything. But you might, so still do it.”

  “Ohhh…”

  “Just thought I’d leave you with that. To get your spirits up.”

  “Okay thanks. Well I guess I’ll be going. Thanks for meeting with me.”

  “Come by again some time.”

  Total Bull returned to his home and his job. Although the demands of cow society weighed heavily upon his shoulders, he Total Bull and Sage wrote letters to each other for many years. Then one day he received a different kind of letter.

  “We are here today, in honor of our grandfather, and teacher, Sage. One of his students has a story to tell about him. Please come up,” the pastor said.

  “Hi, I’m Total Bull. I think a few of you know me. I’ve known Sage for about ten years now. Back then, I was having a hard time with things. You know, who am I, where do I fit in, in this society and in the universe. I couldn’t put it into words at the time, but I felt like something was missing inside me. So I went looking. And luck led me, or fate, I don’t know, umm, led me to Sage. He was this old Buffalo, this old mat of graying fur and hide. I’d never seen anything like it before. And what was strange was his oddness. He had this wise, worldly, priestly look, but he said things, funny things, not what I expected from some Buffalo that looked like him. And you know, he taught me so much. I came to visit a few times, but it was mostly by letters, and I learned from the things he said to me in those letters. Umm, I have one here, I could read a piece of it, if that’s okay? Okay.”

  Total Bull, don’t worry about what your neighbors think. So he makes more money, or has a better car, or whatever it is that worries you. Why do compare yourself to him? Do you think he is really happy? Because happiness isn’t an acquisition. So what is important? Being happy? Family? Friends? Or the salary and a shiny car? I know how cow society puts pressure on you to ‘keep up with the Heifers’, but you don’t have to take it. You don’t have to accept that pressure and hurry around, like a mad cow, trying to keep up. You can ignore it, or throw it back, do whatever you want, but don’t beat yourself up that you’re not as successful, because there’s a very good chance that your neighbor’s car is owned by the bank, and his Cowvin suit is owned by the credit card company. But you get me thinking, what do I have? I am an old Buffalo, and I have this little shack, not much money, not much things. But I have really good friends, and family, and my community, my Buffalo. Would I like a 64 foot yacht? Sure I would, that would be fun. I’d be pimpin’ large. But what if I could only keep one, only the yacht and the material things, or only my Buffalo family. What would you keep? I’m pre
tty sure that most cows only really get to have one, or they think they have both, but they’re really hanging onto one of them by a few threads. –Sage

  P.S. Please send the latest Playbull, the one with Tricia Heifer on the cover. Thanks.

  “So that was one of the moments in my life, when I had a decision to make. Maybe I would have done it on my own, but it doesn’t matter how. What’s important is I figured it out, and gave up the promotion and the super long hours and the matching salary. I decided, this is my family, this is really all I’ve got, and I gave up the rest, I just let it go. Thank God. I know those of you here, the Buffalo who know me, know how my life has changed, and Sage, and all of you, have really been here for me, and also for my family. You really feel like my cousins, and you know, I like the name the little ones started calling me. Totally Cool Bull. That’s so awesome! Thanks.”

  Total Bull was relaxing at home with his wife, after a day at the office.

  “I’m hungry.”

  “Try this,” she said.

  Total Bull took a bite.

  “It’s amazing,” he said.

  “I thought you’d like it.”

  “So how was your day?”

  “It was great.”

  “You take care of me,” Total Bull said.

  “I do, don’t I.”

  “You do. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  She leaned over and gave him a kiss.

  “Oh, can I have some cookies?”

  “I give you a kiss and you want some cookies? I swear, you never change.”

  “Would you want me any other way?”

  THE END

  Notes

  Visit https://www.ricktalbot.com/ for the latest stories by Rick Talbot.

  Cover Credit

  The buffalo cartoon on the cover was created by Greg Williams, licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 2.5 Generic. The full comic can be found at: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Buffalo_buffalo_WikiWorld.png

  Greg is a designer and illustrator. You can find his work online at https://williamsprojects.wordpress.com/.

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